Hello my friends! I sooooo hope you are having a fabulous day today…. It’s Friday and blog post day! I am committing to posting a blog every Friday for all you fabulous readers! Hope you enjoy this one…
Today’s blog is a hard one to share because it runs a little too close to home… but I made a promise to myself when I started writing that I would be authentic and true to my voice so that I could share my journey and lessons with you and your family… even if that means getting ultra vulnerable!
I’ll start by saying Today was a ‘good’ day!
Even though I knew it theoretically, I GOT IT, GOT IT, GOT IT, on a deeply fundamental level, that micro-managing our kids has a boomerang effect! And even worse, trying to manage their feelings is a disaster!
Nobody likes to be told what to do all the time.
Nobody I know enjoys being shouted at in the face at a distance of 5cms without any heed or warning!
The last time I checked, I didn’t give birth to a robot or a gizmo. I birthed human beings who have feelings, emotions, temperaments, opinions, ideas… and a vast treasure chest of spiritual gifts. And I would like to think I am supporting their development by giving them choices and decision-making opportunities in the realm and scope of our little family life. That includes the freedom to express their feelings about certain situations in our home.
So here comes the story…
Sometimes…, not often but just sometimes, my husband becomes unconscious for a few seconds (as do I) and gets lost in a vortex of set beliefs and ideals that are not matching his current reality and then BOOM!!! Hurricane Hilda breaks loose and we didn’t even see her coming! My husband’s anger unleashed, is Hilda! How do you do? Can I get you a helmet?
You might call it an adult tantrum.
Today happened to be one of those ‘Hilda’ days.
I don’t judge him. I am alongside him so he stays standing on his feet long enough to breathe in and feel the guilt that’s coming in a big tsunami wave.
I don’t ridicule him. I reassure him that I have been where he is so that he doesn’t feel so shitty about his shitty reaction to our child’s perceived undesirable behaviour.
I don’t sit on my mighty horse and act smug in my ‘know-it-all’ glory. I suggest that he back off with the ‘in your face’ shouting because it is bloody scary for a child to experience and in no way does it foster connection or any learning for anyone! And I ask him, ‘would you react to your best friend in that way?’
He couldn’t answer. He floundered. And he knew it.
Why did he lose it? Because he wasn’t present. He was somewhere else. His ego got the better of him. He was triggered and before we knew it, it was too late. The trigger was our son not accepting a suggestion I had made and him showing it by pushing chairs and speaking in an abrupt manner to me, making demands for what he wanted.
It doesn’t matter what our son did. (This doesn’t mean that I condone his behavior, but the details of it are not important). What matters is how we reacted.
Shouting. Reprimanding. Punishing. Threatening. Have no place in our home. PERIOD. Living this way takes huge responsibility and a lot of work on our part. But it works for us as a family. That’s why when either my husband or I SNAP and let loose a torrent of anger, it shocks all of us and no one benefits.
The way I see it…. Our children are people! Imagine that! They are actually part of the human species! They have a right to get angry and upset about something that’s not going their way. They should be allowed to choose whatever emotion is being served on their platter for the day!
Our job as parents is to get our shit together and respond in the appropriate way (either to hold a boundary, make a plan towards the child’s desire, dig deeper to find what the unmet need might be that is causing the behavior etc etc) instead of the traditional knee-jerk reaction spewed up by the ego. It’s like vomiting our inner crap onto the child. And then trying to wipe it off them but the stench remains in the air! PLEASE CAN WE JUST GET OVER THIS WAY OF PARENTING!??
I am not perfect. I am human. I am a Conscious Parent.
This means I take the conflicts and confrontations as opportunities for growth and connection instead of resisting them and fearing them. It means I do the work each day towards awakening even more on this incredible path of life that I have been blessed to experience. It means I consciously reflect on my inner world and pull out the weeds that are choking the gifts that want to bless this world so desperately in front of me! Let us learn how to make the space and allow this process to take place as naturally as possible with the understanding that all of us can and will endure different seasons. Seasons of strife and struggle, as well as seasons of fun and flourishing. As a parent you get to watch in awe as your child reveals their splendour of themselves to you, each and every moment you choose to be present and aware in their presence.
Later on, when Hilda was well dissipated and the scene was clear for damage control, my husband did approach our son to chat about the incident… I know they both apologized but I don’t know what else was said because that is a secret between them as they mend and strengthen the amazing bond that they have since birth. Because when a child is born into your life, it is a second birth for you too. A second chance at getting things done the right way.
I get the fuzzies just thinking about life in this way!
Like I said, in our home we see conflicts as opportunities for growth and deep connection.
Like magic, these perceived struggles reveal our darkest selves to us… They shine the divine light onto the hidden crevices of our soul. This is how your child becomes your spiritual gift. Accept to go where your child leads you and you can be sure your INNER CHILD will follow. With a hop, skip and a jump in your step! Just follow the magic dust!
Good luck to all who are on this path… for it is not an easy one to walk. But I believe it is the ultimate one we must take as parents on this planet if we are to deconstruct and re-create an even more magnificent world now and for the future that is around the corner.
Always with love
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